So then I thought about all my sad, single, jobless and childless friends(NO I AM NOT ANY OF THESE THINGS. I HAVE A BOYFRIEND, A TOY POWDER DOODLE,THIS WEBSITE AND A PRESCRIPTION FOR ABILIFY ORAL) and I felt what my therapist tells me is em-pa-thy. And most importantly- I have a solution. It may stop wars and it may just stop my friend Alice-Caradee from calling me every two hours. Either way I think I deserve this.

I would prefer platinum if it isn’t to much to ask…

As someone who has been waiting her whole life I have spent many “work, traditional” hours in Coffee Beans or Dunkin Doughnuts or that little kiosk in the mall that sells stale crepes. And never once have I cried into my powdered cinnamon sugar chocolate, or plotted revolution! Why you ask? It’s because as an aristocratically aligned historian of alcoholic alliteration and debutantes I know that until recently cafe society was where it was at. Not working, drinking caffeine and starring at men with floppy hair was considered a privilege, not a bummer worthy of insurrection.

Whimsy!

The Queens of mid-century Cafe Society were heiresses like Barbara Hutton, Doris Duke, Gloria Vanderbilt and skanks like the Duchess of Windsor(sorry girl, but I’ve got to side with my Queen). Yes, they had millions of dollars and not a care in the world, but they still had nothing to do and did so in style. So here are some ways even the poorest cafe dweller can lift their meaningless life into the realm of the sublime or at least the realm of a TV-movie-of-the-week starring Farrah Fawcett.

Tantalizing tip: It’s never a boring night if you are wearing a mask!

1. Collect Something Weird

For Hutton it was Chinese porcelain and dead royals jewels, for Duke it was Islamic art which she displayed at Shangri La, her fantastical Honolulu estate.

Haggle! It takes longer.

Whatever it is, it must be very rare and specific so that just looking for it takes up a lot of your time. I like to collect WW II British propaganda inspired cat pins, so I spend hours scouring the scenic garment district of downtown Los Angeles and then haggle over prices in my Rosetta Stone Spanish.

Helpful hint: Don’t use the internet when looking for these treasures. It will dramatically cut down on the time you must spend searching, and then you’re back to reading up on Lenin and talking of revolution!

2. Aimlessly Travel

In less than one calendar year Hutton resided in Florida, New York, Morocco, Spain, Cuba, Mexico and Beverly Hills. The Duchess of Windsor’s constant restlessness is said to have inspired Madonna’s jet set life style. It inspires me as well, and my budget days go something like this. Gym, CVS, Gym, CVS, Anthropologie, Huffington Post, bed, yarn store, that flower shop across town, Coffee Bean, bed.

Don’t forget: Your bed is a destination! All these ladies spent, months, even years in bed sleeping away heartache, bad facelifts and life’s worries. I suggest bringing your jewelry box in bed with you- you never know what those pesky servants are up to!

3. Sue People

In the last years of her life, The Duchess of Windsor fell under the spell of a very terrifying French lady named Maitre Blum. This lady would sue people over the smallest slander. All our ladies were involved in endless lawsuits with money managers, servants, ex-husbands and dress designers. For those of us with less means- small claims court is fascinating and you can represent yourself! Sometimes I like to go to court and just watch, it’s free and the wardrobe choices are endless.

Disclaimer: If you are bored one day and decide to accuse your hairdresser of assault because she dyed your hair “Debra Harry” instead of “Princess Grace” …make sure her father is not the captain of the Los Angeles Police.

4. “Accidentally” run over someone

In 1966, a’la “Whatever happened to Baby Jane,” Doris Duke crushed her “close friend” and decorator Eduardo Tirella against the iron gates of her Rough Point estate.  Since not of all us are rich enough to get away with actually running over someone, I like to practice the art of emotional hit and runs, like the time I told Jordan her boyfriend had “hit on me” (he hadn’t) and that she had to chose between him and me(she chose me) or the time I told Kristine that I overheard Jordan telling someone that the paint she had chosen for her telephone nook was gauche.

I like to mess with Jordan.

5. Write

If you’re “working on your autobiography” then you are never unemployed!

My work in progress in tentatively titled “Hamilton has his reasons: The never-ending limbo of a 21st century spinster.”

6. Hook up with someone you shouldn’t

ROMANCE!!!

“Gold dust twins” Hutton and Duke didn’t just share a lifestyle, they also briefly shared a highly unsuitable husband, Porfirio Rubirosa, a fascist Dominican diplomat and polo cad known for his very long mallet. Don’t have millions to entice a player? No problem. Cut yourself some bangs, go to your nearest hipster dive bar and announce loudly that your cousin is Zooey Deschanel. That should do it.

Rubirosa’s true love, Zsa Zsa Gabor, laughing at his marriage to Barbara Hutton. PS: She is wearing this eye-patch due to a black eye she said Rubirosa gave her. PSS: This is a real picture.

7. Give birth to Anderson Cooper

Because, girl, that alone will make your life worthwhile- jeans and perfumes be dammed.

Statistically, the odds are that at least half of the twelve of you reading are planning to vote differently from me, so I’ll veer away from sharing my own political views in this space. Having oscillated wildly before reaching my final conclusion, however, I do feel I am in a unique position to comment on the one aspect of our democratic duty to which I am best suited: fashion. How should you dress when casting your vote? Herewith, some freshly curated ideas:

Luscious Libertarian

Are you an independent-minded third-partier who carries a handgun and a battered copy of Atlas Shrugged everywhere you go? I recommend displaying your separatism in rebellious all black, offset by a patriotic clutch that’s just the right size for stashing your personal tribute to the second amendment.

Ready to storm Capitol Hill with a militia of like-minded honeys.

Delightful Democrat

Do you have a bleeding heart and a hybrid car? Have you ever uttered the words “I wish I lived in France” and not meant them as a joke? Put those loose morals on display in skinny jeans and a heathered sweater. Top it all off with nerdy glasses to show the world that you spent good money on a master’s degree you never use except to bolster your credibility in arguments.

“Interesting point, Noam, but have you fully considered the role of white cisgender privilege?”

Righteous Republican

Are you the kind of lady who leaves work at five to put dinner on the table for her family? Just kidding—you married well, so you don’t need a job! Take off those shoes, tie on that apron and grab yourself a spatula. Remember, wait to vote until hubby gets home from the office—he’ll tell you which candidate you support!

Can’t find this in a binder, baby!

Halloween is the start of the holiday season, which is the start of the annual family inquisition. Jordan, are you engaged yet? Jordan, are you pregnant yet? Jordan, have you found a job yet? No one ever asks “Jordan, have you seen that episode of RHONY where Alex interrupts Kelly and Luann’s henna tattoo in Morrocco yet?” I don’t know why, because the answer would be “Why YES, yes I have, and I thought it was a brilliant social commentary on classism!” But to that end, I have created three Halloween costumes that will be sure to trick your family AND treat you!

Costume # 1- Engaged!!!

For this costume a bit of research is involved. Think of it as preparing for an acting role. You are literally to become a person who is engaged. I want you to spend an hour or two reading the Facebook engagement announcements of at least 200 of your engaged friends. If you are thirty years of age you probably have at least 200 engaged friends, so this should not be a problem. Study the tone and themes of these posts. Study the pictures of the rings. Then you should withdraw to a quiet, safe place and meditate for a minimum of forty five minutes.

Once meditation is over, you’ll need to drive to your local Tiffany & Co or other high end jewelry store and have a consultation about what ring will best suit you. Pro tip:If you do not have time in your busy schedule to make the drive, Tiffany has an app available on iTunes. 

Once at Tiffany, explain to them that you are recently engaged, but because you are liberated, you get to choose your own ring. Spend 2-3 hours going over all of your choices of cuts and bands. Might I recommend the Tiffany Embrace, which has a round brilliant center surrounded by bead-set diamonds. It is one carat and priced from $13,300.

Buy your ring and return home. Do ordinary things around the house to get used to the idea of being someone who is engaged.  Here are some pictures of me in my costume!

* For the general reader I have suggested a trip to Tiffany for the ring. You will notice in these pictures that I am lucky enough to have Kate Middleton’s engagement ring on loan for Halloween weekend.

Getting ready for lots of smiles.

Catching up on some reading.

Beauty rest!

Costume # 2- Pregnant!!!

If you live in a very cool and important city like Los Angeles, it is easy to put off having children at a young age, because you are very busy being promiscuous and doing worthy things like experimenting with veganism. You scoff at your friends in the rest of the country who started having children in their mid-twenties. It isn’t until your holiday trips home when Aunt Susan keeps asking you when you are going to have a baby that you realize you’ve only got about two years left until your uterus is going to essentially dry up and fall out at your next SoulCycle class. That is the inspiration behind my second costume idea.

For this costume you will need to decide how pregnant you would like to look. I find that any good throw pillow or bulky sweater of a cashmere/wool blend makes an excellent baby.

Pro tip: Consider leaving your belly in and periodically adjusting it for the rest of the holiday season. Your family will be so pleased and people will be so nice to you on planes.

Getting ready for a big meeting with producers

Having it all!!!

But Hall, I hear you screaming from your Roman inspired divan, artichokes are so hard to cook! Not true! Since ancient times, Mediterranean ladies with far fewer kitchen supplies and…kitchens… have been steaming, baking and roasting up these delicious treats. Here is what you do.

1. Preheat oven to 375. Don’t forget to wash your artichokes! I find violet scented hand soap works best.

2. Cut off the stem and the tip.

3. Oil your very best pan, drizzle with olive oil, lemon, butter, schnaps…whatever makes you feel good.

4. Cook for 45 minutes and voila!

Other uses:

1. Flowers

Theirs: These are going to wilt so fast…

Mine: These smell like vinegar!

Helpful hint for the poorer Gentleman- present with a bow, a packet of garlic and some lemon butter for the ultimate, multi-purpose bouquet!

2. Stick-on wall Design

Theirs: $129.95…

Their tree looks like it’s dying…

Mine: $1.29 plus whatever this old painters tape Hammy bought five years ago cost!

And mine looks like it’s just being born!

3. Fascinating Fascinators

Theirs: It’s okay…

Mine: It’s incr-edible!

BON APPETITE!

As the saying goes, one must attire oneself for the job one wants, not the job one has, so in the interest of hastening my inevitable meteoric climb up the corporate ladder, I’ve spent my evenings this week drinking artisanal moonshine while curating the perfect work wardrobe. Below, a map of my go-to essentials for dressing for success, already on their way to me thanks to the folks at Chase Visa, who were kind enough to send me a credit card with one of the best APRs I’ve ever seen—a full 46.7%! (I have no doubt my new co-workers will be awed to discover what a head for numbers I have.) Check out a lamer pret-a-porter version at Cupcakes and Cashmere, and share your must-haves in the comments!

Wool Pencil Skirt

A pencil skirt combines sexiness and professionalism in the perfect package. I love this version from Saks ($375). Can you believe it would only cost me one of my paychecks? So worth it!

Carry-It-All Bag

This Fendi shopper in crisp gray wool ($1,850) is perfect for getting all your odds and ends—iPad, makeup, condoms, flask—to and from the office in style!

Chunky Statement Necklace

Every girl needs a massive gold necklace ($12,750) to go with her skirtsuits. Like the metal it’s made of, it conveys strength and durability.

Fabulous Heel

Stomp all over the workplace competition with these four-inch YSL pumps ($1,050). The mirrored heel means your conquests can stare at their defeated reflections as you walk away!

Tricked-Out Tech

Speaking of tools for workplace efficiency, there’s no reason your technology can’t also be a “successory.” (See what I did there?) Take this iPhone plated with rose gold and diamonds ($17,500)—I can’t imagine why every gal isn’t carrying one!

Day-to-Night Dress

A classic DVF wrap dress ($445) in this season’s hottest color takes you from desk to dinner with the senior partner with ease. (He may be married . . . but he won’t be for long!)

Sadness? WHAT SADNESS? Trader Joe’s induced meltdown? WHAT MELTDOWN? All is bright in the world, the sun is shining like a 10 in clarity non-conflict diamond, my pimples are beauty marks a’ la Cindy Crawford and the floor isn’t laminated pressed wood but actual colonial era mahogany sanded by expert Peruvian hands…

HAMILTON ASKED ME WHAT KIND OF RING I’D LIKE!

The loveseat where it happened! (Yes, that is a lady size gun in the vase. No you don’t need to worry about it)

Me! Ring! Me!

Soon I wont have to wear that stupid “remember me” pearl my Uncle gave me before he went over to Iraq for the last time! Because I’ll be wearing a ring that is really all about love and remembrance OF WINNING!

Okay, I know you are all dying to hear the deets. So we were sitting on the couch yesterday watching the Rio de Janeiro Polo International on Striver TV when Hamilton tooted, stuffed a Pringle in his mouth and tooted again. Then he said…

“So, my mom said I should ask you what kind of ring you’d like.”

At first I couldn’t understand him, because his atonal baritone always sounds like a monotone doufus spelling out words he can’t understand from a book of romantic poetry.

“Huh?” I asked, putting down my knitting needles(I have recently taken up knitting, I guess I subconsciously knew I would soon be a WIFE). “Enunciate Hammy, enunciate.”

“What…kind…of…ring…do…you…WANT?” He shouted in what I lovingly call his Down’s appreciation voice.

Yes this is from Art World Appreciation. But I really appreciated the moment so I think this pic sums it up(I was in sweats when this happened y’all. I cannot post a picture of me in sweats.)

And that was the moment. The moment the clouds lifted. The moment the happiness bubble finally burst and spread good vibrations all around my size 2 body. But the number one piece of advice I’ve gotten from all my wise paired-off sisters is to play it cool and emotionless if you really want to lock it down.

“Oh.” I said quietly, picking up my knitting needles. “I’ll have to think about it. I’ll just make you a little list.”

I was so nonchalant, so very British understated, so Brief Encounter. Have you seen Brief Encounter? It is this movie from 1946 where these two married, respectable people fall in love and then don’t do anything about it and I swear the loudest thing in the whole movie is the train.

Smiling! On a couch! Like Hammy and me! Seriously this the biggest smile you get in the whole damn film…

Anyway, I drove to my hometown last night, broke into Daddy’s law office, retrieved the list from the vault and drove back. I haven’t given it to Hammy yet, that will happen during a Precious Moment(TM) Ring Wants Candle Ceremony I am arranging next week in front of our twenty closest and richest friends. But I would love any feedback on this little list that I drafted up with our family retained jeweler three years ago after our first weekend at his grandmother’s lovely summer cottage(Ham is an only grandchild).

1. 2.3-carat pink diamond cushion cut solitaire with 10 in clarity and inclusion mounted on a thin band of gold taken from the melted-down childhood Faberge wands of the last imperial duchesses of Russia(would prefer either Duchess Anastasia or Marie, but I am not picky!)

This one is 3 carats bigger and goes for 3.4 million…but I think it gives Hammy the right idea.

2. Invisible Laser Engraving on the Pink Diamond that in no way decreases its appearance or value.

I have been told by haters and extensive research on the internet that this is actually not possible, but all I am asking for is a microscopic inscription in the same font used on the Declaration of Independence that lists our full names, astrological signs, his first words to me “Yo, I like your  bra,”  and a prayer of protection in every major religion, including Scientology, just to hedge our bets.

3. Secret Row of Diamonds

I would like us to have matching rows of black diamonds taken from the grave of Elizabeth Taylor inside our bands, to symbolize our private love, black hearts and the great ability we posses at keeping family secrets and our commitment to keeping the secrets we will create together. This ring is called “Secret Agent Man” by Erica Courtney and yes Kristine, Jordan, Henry and Matt someone else has already had the idea, WHICH MEANS IT IS A GOOD ONE!

4. Decoy ring made out of lesser quality diamonds and metals or Diamonique(TM)

This is so I can wear my ring worry free when I am on safari or out riding with the Queen or in the country with our good friends Giselle and Tom Brady. It lets everybody know I have a very nice ring and that I am a down home girl without actually having to be one! I want to thank Alexis, one of my inspirational women from the Real Housewives of Orange County, for this brilliant idea!

Alexis in Costa Rica with her decoy ring. Doesn’t the ring and the do-rag just scream slumming-it-chic?

5. ETERNAL LOVE

By which I mean I will eternally love owning a ring of such high quality and increasing value. This ring will be mine no matter what happens according to an ironclad document the we will sign directly after the proposal in front of our twenty closest and richest friends and our families respective divorce attorneys.

The good news is that my continued state of glamorous impoverishment has empowered me to innovate in new and exciting ways. After all, what is life but one great big learning experience culminating in a walk down the aisle, after which all you have to do is keep it tight and host charity luncheons until you die? I have learned so many precious and darling things in the past few weeks, such as the caloric efficiency of ramen noodles, the fact that my landlord will accept well timed blowjobs in lieu of rent, and most importantly, skincare tips and tricks that don’t require costly cruises through the Nordstrom cosmetic counters.

Yes, it’s true. While the price tag on the jar of La Mer is all one needs to assure herself that it is a magical and irreplaceable ointment from the heavens, some intrepid Googling—I gave the last of my cocaine to my neighbor in exchange for his wireless access code, because I am nothing if not resourceful—yielded a world of ideas for at-home dermatological improvisation. Of course, I have embellished them with my usual flair and panache, because that, prospective future employers, THAT is my skillset. So you can take your Office suite and shove it.

Aspirin Scrub

Forming a paste of crushed aspirin and a few drops of water will yield a surprisingly effective exfoliating scrub. But aspirin, as we all know, is a painkiller for poor people. Enhance this formula by crushing a small fraction of your endless supply of Oxycontin and making a paste with a few drops of Chopin vodka—its astringent properties are remarkable, and the irrational good cheer brought on by chemically induced feelings of weightlessness and euphoria is just a lick of the lips away!

Whenever possible, snort your leftovers using high-value bills. They’ve passed through fewer hands and are more hygienic.

Vaseline Moisturizer

We’ve all heard old wives’ tales about women using Vaseline to ward off crow’s feet and other unsightly lines. But who wants to walk around smelling like a nurse all day? I’ve improved greatly on this concept by slathering my face in natural, organic coconut oil, which leaves my skin as fragrant as an idle Saint Tropez summer—vastly preferable to the stink of helping others!

It puts the lotion on its skin . . .

Citrus Chemical Peel

Sure, you could rely on the citric acid naturally present in many fruits to give you a gentle chemical peel on the cheap, but what are you, a pussy? Amp up that citrus power with a bracing application of lemon-scented furniture polish, which works the same way on your skin as it does on lackluster surfaces. You’ll be growing a fresh layer of epidermis in no time!

Concepcion turned me onto this brand of furniture polish, which comes with a handy spray nozzle for even application.

Britney Spears stayed in the same wing as me in 2008! Talk about V-I-P!

Many other folks with taste, discrimination and a penchant for soft walls have fallen in love with this storied hotel. Some so much they never did leave! Here is a partial list of the people who have breathed their last at Cedars-

Lucille Ball, Frank Sinatra, Gilda Radner, Biggie Smalls, Eva Gabor, Henry Fonda, River Phoniex,  Johnny Carson, Ernest Borgnine, Don Knotts…

Pretty good company right? Jordan and Kristene have been absolute dolls bringing me Chanel #5 to sniff and the September issue of Vogue to scrutinize and I think I am this close into guilting Hammy into finally giving me that ring. But after my doctors finally decided I was “exaggerating” those nightly terrors I was sent on my way with a gift bag full of pills and a revolutionary revelation that I want to share with all our readers.

SICKNESS=ATTENTION

Look how much those demons dig her. I am so jelly.

There is something so sexy about sickness. I mean in the 1800′s, there was a movement all about  who could look the closest to death and derangement while actually being super hip and in the know. It was called the romantic movement and Lord Byron, the deformed, anorexic, consumptive, incestuous(he slept with his sister!) poet, was its King.

Lord Byron on his deathbed…hellllooooo hottie!

The Princess Belgiojoso, a writer and hero of the Italian Independence movement(who knew that was a thing!?) was it’s Queen, a woman who by her own account was a child “so melancholy, serious, introverted, quiet, so shy that I often happen to burst into tears in the living room of my mother because I realized that I was being looked at or that they wanted me to talk.”

Look at those eye sockets!

So, even though I am again in the real world and unfortunately “healthy” and “mentally competent” that doesn’t mean I can’t keep that fashionable frail look that alternately makes folks want to crush you or coddle you. Here are five easy steps to looking just like Madeline in Poe’s “Fall of the House of Usher,” possibly the hottest undead character of all time

STEP ONE: EYE BAGS

Helpful Hint: Dirty/wet hair says “I just escaped from the institution…don’t you want to kiss the crazy away?” Don’t you Hammy!?

Use eyeshadow to shade the area under your eyes. I recommend using a dark brown under the eyes, a light brown above and a deep blue on the outer rims to give you that bruised internally glow. My fave sickness palate is none other than Almay Trio for blues 002.

Trust me the $5.95 is worth its weight in sympathy!

STEP TWO:LIP DEFINITION

No definition is the right definition when dealing with the deranged so I suggest a two-toned concealer that matches your necks skin tone. I like Sheer Cover Duo in Fair.

Gently apply with your fingers.

And add a little powder for that “cracked out” look or some lip glass if “slobbery” is more your game.

STEP THREE: FLUSHED CHEEKS

If your to much of a wimp to just pinch your cheeks and break a few capillaries, then may I suggest Bare Escentuals all-over face color in warmth

STEP FOUR:  DRESSED to DIE

Ophelia, patron saint, and name of my first imaginary daughter!

Ever heard the modern day Byron Billy Idol’s famous line “It’s a nice day for a white wedding?” Well that song is creepy, but it’s also sexy…and perfectly illustrates this most important step. White says virginal, white says dead , practically every poem Byron or Keats ever wrote seems to include a woman in white(i.e. a dead virgin). So may I suggest an old white dress with a Ms. Havisham edge(i.e.: yellowing, browning, ratted, tatted…) preferably with a bow like this J-Crew dress circa 2005.

The brown on the straps is from my sweat!

STEP FIVE:POUT BABY POUT

No matter where you are- the supermarket(where I am no longer allowed to go), the psychiatrists, the pharmacist, the psychologists- always have Lana Del Rey’s Born to Die on a loop in your head. Every one will be staring at you, and I promise it will be attention of the right kind.

First of all, a grand merci to Hall, Jordan and Kristine for letting me chime in on their charming blog. While “Peaches & Prosecco” perfectly captures the je ne sais quoi of my lovely trio’s Pinterest-come-to-life lifestyle, it’s far too peachy for Paris. Paris is more of a black and white postcard: timeless, beautiful, desirable, but not particularly warm and inviting.  “Crémant & Cigarettes” are more appropriate staples here, crémant (and vouvray) being the homegrown champagne substitute. (Of course, when our friends chez Nicolas always have a decent everyday champagne for under 20€, I often don’t bother substituting at all.)

Back to the important topic at hand. Hall, Jordan, and Kristine have inspired me to be ever conscious of the style in my lifestyle. J’adore reading about their attempts at making their own little worlds a better place; I’ve always admired their gumption and creativity. So, I went to a café to contemplate this deep, philosophical question (as one does) and came to this incredible realization — I live in Paris, ergo my lifestyle is by default undeniably fabulous and enviable! A veritable ‘aha’ moment, all thanks to P&P.

While the “Peaches & Prosecco” approach helps you make your life seem effortlessly elegant, the “Crémant & Cigarettes” ethos is about life being effortlessly elegant. Basically, Americans are hardworking and ingenious, while the French are lazy and lucky. My top lifestyle tip: move to Paris. However, if you are not in a position to do that, you should most definitely continue reading “Peaches & Prosecco.”

Bisoux,

Jolie