Greetings, Peaches! How is it Halloween already? I swear, I have been so busy getting re-watching every episode of The Real Housewives of New York that summer has blown right by into autumn!

Halloween is the start of the holiday season, which is the start of the annual family inquisition. Jordan, are you engaged yet? Jordan, are you pregnant yet? Jordan, have you found a job yet? No one ever asks “Jordan, have you seen that episode of RHONY where Alex interrupts Kelly and Luann’s henna tattoo in Morrocco yet?” I don’t know why, because the answer would be “Why YES, yes I have, and I thought it was a brilliant social commentary on classism!” But to that end, I have created three Halloween costumes that will be sure to trick your family AND treat you!

Costume # 1- Engaged!!!

For this costume a bit of research is involved. Think of it as preparing for an acting role. You are literally to become a person who is engaged. I want you to spend an hour or two reading the Facebook engagement announcements of at least 200 of your engaged friends. If you are thirty years of age you probably have at least 200 engaged friends, so this should not be a problem. Study the tone and themes of these posts. Study the pictures of the rings. Then you should withdraw to a quiet, safe place and meditate for a minimum of forty five minutes.

Once meditation is over, you’ll need to drive to your local Tiffany & Co or other high end jewelry store and have a consultation about what ring will best suit you. Pro tip:If you do not have time in your busy schedule to make the drive, Tiffany has an app available on iTunes. 

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I’m sorry I haven’t been around to dispense my usual doses of graciousness and fairy dust for a few weeks. I’d love to tell you that I decamped for the month of August to a glamorous seaside estate, but in truth my days were spent in job-hunting drudgery—a rather time-consuming and distasteful task, as it turns out, particularly when one has very little of the experience required. It’s really quite arbitrary—after all, was Cleopatra well versed in the Microsoft Office suite? Was Marie Antoinette capable of taking dictation? EXACTLY.

The good news is that my continued state of glamorous impoverishment has empowered me to innovate in new and exciting ways. After all, what is life but one great big learning experience culminating in a walk down the aisle, after which all you have to do is keep it tight and host charity luncheons until you die? I have learned so many precious and darling things in the past few weeks, such as the caloric efficiency of ramen noodles, the fact that my landlord will accept well timed blowjobs in lieu of rent, and most importantly, skincare tips and tricks that don’t require costly cruises through the Nordstrom cosmetic counters.

Yes, it’s true. While the price tag on the jar of La Mer is all one needs to assure herself that it is a magical and irreplaceable ointment from the heavens, some intrepid Googling—I gave the last of my cocaine to my neighbor in exchange for his wireless access code, because I am nothing if not resourceful—yielded a world of ideas for at-home dermatological improvisation. Of course, I have embellished them with my usual flair and panache, because that, prospective future employers, THAT is my skillset. So you can take your Office suite and shove it.

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You can tell a lot about a woman by her feet. I don’t want to make anyone jealous, but mine are exquisite—did you know that having a longer second toe, as so many unfortunate women do, is a genetic defect? (In your face, EVERYONE!) My genes may not be as white, Anglo, Saxon or Protestant as I’d like, but foot-wise, my pedigree is immaculate.

In our most Chardonnay-sodden fantasy worlds, we’d all get our weekly pedicures the old-fashioned way: at an elegant hotel spa, inhaling the scents of lavender and verbena (scientifically proven to be the most well bred of scents), clutching a glass of champagne as if our lives depended on it while anonymous immigrant women slaved over our feet. Unfortunately, when your dad is weeks behind with the checks—DAD, IF YOU’RE READING THIS, I AM HIRING A LAWYER (ONCE YOU FINALLY SEND THOSE CHECKS)—sometimes you have to resort to extreme measures.

At times like these, first, take a deep breath, assume the lotus position, and meditate on the character-building benefits of poverty. Like saints of yore, we learn important lessons from our suffering, and in my case, those lessons include how to execute the perfect home pedicure. Of course I wish it hadn’t come to this, but since it has, why not share my wisdom?

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