During the holiday season, visitors to my home often ask me what my gift-wrapping secrets are. It’s dreadfully uncouth to boast, but I present my presents in such an appealing way that the recipients sometimes declare they’d rather keep the packaging intact than find out what’s inside! That has certainly been the case with my domestic companion, Madison Avenue, who would rather chew the bows with which I adorn her many gifts than enjoy the gifts themselves. All the same, like one of Santa’s own elves I persist, and in keeping with the spirit of generosity and selflessness that pervades the holiday season, I created the short video below to give you, my three to five faithful readers, the gift of gift-wrapping brilliance.
Over Thanksgiving my 12 year old niece was going on and on about how all over the world young people are unable to find jobs. From Spain to the Middle East to my living room college educated men and women are just sitting around in cafes, too poor to get married or have kids, fighting and bitching and having ideas…and as my Daddy always said(he was 95 when he married my mom so he passed away the day I was conceived) “Ideas are only the business of the government and Averell Harriman.”
So then I thought about all my sad, single, jobless and childless friends(NO I AM NOT ANY OF THESE THINGS. I HAVE A BOYFRIEND, A TOY POWDER DOODLE,THIS WEBSITE AND A PRESCRIPTION FOR ABILIFY ORAL) and I felt what my therapist tells me is em-pa-thy. And most importantly- I have a solution. It may stop wars and it may just stop my friend Alice-Caradee from calling me every two hours. Either way I think I deserve this.
Now that I am officially a taxpaying member of our society—and how! You’re welcome for that $80 every month, WELFARE MOMS AND ILLEGAL ALIENS—I’ve decided to exercise my right to vote for the very first time. I didn’t make this decision lightly. In the past I’ve felt it was best not to bother, seeing as researching the issues bores me to tears and there’s little in this life that’s drabber or more dull than lining up at a polling station like some naïve plebe who still believes his or her vote will make a difference. But seeing as my hard-earned dollars will be paying these peoples’ salaries, I believe it is my obligation to bring my usual style to rocking the vote (as we people much older than me said in the gay nineties).
Statistically, the odds are that at least half of the twelve of you reading are planning to vote differently from me, so I’ll veer away from sharing my own political views in this space. Having oscillated wildly before reaching my final conclusion, however, I do feel I am in a unique position to comment on the one aspect of our democratic duty to which I am best suited: fashion. How should you dress when casting your vote? Herewith, some freshly curated ideas:
Greetings, Peaches! How is it Halloween already? I swear, I have been so busy getting re-watching every episode of The Real Housewives of New York that summer has blown right by into autumn!
Halloween is the start of the holiday season, which is the start of the annual family inquisition. Jordan, are you engaged yet? Jordan, are you pregnant yet? Jordan, have you found a job yet? No one ever asks “Jordan, have you seen that episode of RHONY where Alex interrupts Kelly and Luann’s henna tattoo in Morrocco yet?” I don’t know why, because the answer would be “Why YES, yes I have, and I thought it was a brilliant social commentary on classism!” But to that end, I have created three Halloween costumes that will be sure to trick your family AND treat you!
Costume # 1- Engaged!!!
For this costume a bit of research is involved. Think of it as preparing for an acting role. You are literally to become a person who is engaged. I want you to spend an hour or two reading the Facebook engagement announcements of at least 200 of your engaged friends. If you are thirty years of age you probably have at least 200 engaged friends, so this should not be a problem. Study the tone and themes of these posts. Study the pictures of the rings. Then you should withdraw to a quiet, safe place and meditate for a minimum of forty five minutes.
Once meditation is over, you’ll need to drive to your local Tiffany & Co or other high end jewelry store and have a consultation about what ring will best suit you. Pro tip:If you do not have time in your busy schedule to make the drive, Tiffany has an app available on iTunes.
I know most of you dear Peaches think of me as an aesthetically based foodie, learner and spouse picker. But I also consider myself a practical anthomaniac (real term: find it on this handy list). What is this you ask? I’ll give you a hint- another name for it is FLORAMANIA!!!!This means whenever possible I like to use flowers—to rub on my body, to sprinkle in my bath and to eat. Sadly, my court ordered nutritionist recently informed me that sunflower seeds and dandelion leaves can only sustain a rabbit sized human and I am the size of a grandpa wrestling alligator. This is why I was so pleased to learn that Artichokes, those scaly crocodile-like globs of mush, are not only antioxidant powerhouses- they are also perennial thistles- or in layman terms, FLOWERS!
Great news, peaches—I found a job! Yes, yours truly is officially a “working girl,” as they like to say. This Monday I started an exciting new position as a telephonic concierge for a smashing group of legal stylists who needed someone with panache to man their reception area. I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but I believe I could well run the place one day. The partners keep telling me that they have never seen a receptionist quite like moi!
As the saying goes, one must attire oneself for the job one wants, not the job one has, so in the interest of hastening my inevitable meteoric climb up the corporate ladder, I’ve spent my evenings this week drinking artisanal moonshine while curating the perfect work wardrobe. Below, a map of my go-to essentials for dressing for success, already on their way to me thanks to the folks at Chase Visa, who were kind enough to send me a credit card with one of the best APRs I’ve ever seen—a full 46.7%! (I have no doubt my new co-workers will be awed to discover what a head for numbers I have.) Check out a lamer pret-a-porter version at Cupcakes and Cashmere, and share your must-haves in the comments!
Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, GOLLY GEE, GOLLY GEE!
Sadness? WHAT SADNESS? Trader Joe’s induced meltdown? WHAT MELTDOWN? All is bright in the world, the sun is shining like a 10 in clarity non-conflict diamond, my pimples are beauty marks a’ la Cindy Crawford and the floor isn’t laminated pressed wood but actual colonial era mahogany sanded by expert Peruvian hands…
HAMILTON ASKED ME WHAT KIND OF RING I’D LIKE!
Me! Ring! Me!
I’m sorry I haven’t been around to dispense my usual doses of graciousness and fairy dust for a few weeks. I’d love to tell you that I decamped for the month of August to a glamorous seaside estate, but in truth my days were spent in job-hunting drudgery—a rather time-consuming and distasteful task, as it turns out, particularly when one has very little of the experience required. It’s really quite arbitrary—after all, was Cleopatra well versed in the Microsoft Office suite? Was Marie Antoinette capable of taking dictation? EXACTLY.
The good news is that my continued state of glamorous impoverishment has empowered me to innovate in new and exciting ways. After all, what is life but one great big learning experience culminating in a walk down the aisle, after which all you have to do is keep it tight and host charity luncheons until you die? I have learned so many precious and darling things in the past few weeks, such as the caloric efficiency of ramen noodles, the fact that my landlord will accept well timed blowjobs in lieu of rent, and most importantly, skincare tips and tricks that don’t require costly cruises through the Nordstrom cosmetic counters.
Yes, it’s true. While the price tag on the jar of La Mer is all one needs to assure herself that it is a magical and irreplaceable ointment from the heavens, some intrepid Googling—I gave the last of my cocaine to my neighbor in exchange for his wireless access code, because I am nothing if not resourceful—yielded a world of ideas for at-home dermatological improvisation. Of course, I have embellished them with my usual flair and panache, because that, prospective future employers, THAT is my skillset. So you can take your Office suite and shove it.
I’ve have been taking a little rest for the past two weeks at an exclusive bed and breakfast(if it has a bed and it serves breakfast- it’s a B&B!) at a very good address. This giant complex of heaven, nestled in the heart of Beverly Hills, is a mid-century wonder with amazing all white decor and a clean, antiseptic smell. In fact it was so relaxing I didn’t want to leave!
Many other folks with taste, discrimination and a penchant for soft walls have fallen in love with this storied hotel. Some so much they never did leave! Here is a partial list of the people who have breathed their last at Cedars-
Lucille Ball, Frank Sinatra, Gilda Radner, Biggie Smalls, Eva Gabor, Henry Fonda, River Phoniex, Johnny Carson, Ernest Borgnine, Don Knotts…
Pretty good company right? Jordan and Kristene have been absolute dolls bringing me Chanel #5 to sniff and the September issue of Vogue to scrutinize and I think I am this close into guilting Hammy into finally giving me that ring. But after my doctors finally decided I was “exaggerating” those nightly terrors I was sent on my way with a gift bag full of pills and a revolutionary revelation that I want to share with all our readers.
Editor’s note: We were so thrilled to receive a guest post from one of our most beloved far-flung correspondents: Jolie of the premier arondissement of Paris, France! Jolie, take it away!
First of all, a grand merci to Hall, Jordan and Kristine for letting me chime in on their charming blog. While “Peaches & Prosecco” perfectly captures the je ne sais quoi of my lovely trio’s Pinterest-come-to-life lifestyle, it’s far too peachy for Paris. Paris is more of a black and white postcard: timeless, beautiful, desirable, but not particularly warm and inviting. “Crémant & Cigarettes” are more appropriate staples here, crémant (and vouvray) being the homegrown champagne substitute. (Of course, when our friends chez Nicolas always have a decent everyday champagne for under 20€, I often don’t bother substituting at all.)
Back to the important topic at hand. Hall, Jordan, and Kristine have inspired me to be ever conscious of the style in my lifestyle. J’adore reading about their attempts at making their own little worlds a better place; I’ve always admired their gumption and creativity. So, I went to a café to contemplate this deep, philosophical question (as one does) and came to this incredible realization — I live in Paris, ergo my lifestyle is by default undeniably fabulous and enviable! A veritable ‘aha’ moment, all thanks to P&P.
While the “Peaches & Prosecco” approach helps you make your life seem effortlessly elegant, the “Crémant & Cigarettes” ethos is about life being effortlessly elegant. Basically, Americans are hardworking and ingenious, while the French are lazy and lucky. My top lifestyle tip: move to Paris. However, if you are not in a position to do that, you should most definitely continue reading “Peaches & Prosecco.”